Dr. Robert

Litterial Green meets the man he cannot jump over

On the eve of the start of the NBA Conference finals, I thought it might be a good time to revisit my Shaq theory, originally proposed last July when the news of Diesel to Miami first came out. Back then I wrote:

I like Shaquille O’Neal. Yeah sure, he commits an offensive foul every time he drops that big shoulder, and yeah, his rap career has been less than stellar (although heads are whispering that he’s winning this whole beef with Madd Skillz!) but the man is hilarious. Intentionally so. He’s witty, and cocky, and charming. His press conferences are always a treat. I hear all the time what an idiot he is, and I’m always astounded. Don’t people listen? I guess it’s because he looks dumb (it’s the close set, semi-crossed eyes,) which is unfortunate, but the man is 7’2”, ungodly strong, quick, clever and sitting on millions, so I guess you can’t have it all.

Shaq’s on the Heat now, where according to prevailing public opinion, his presence, along with rising star Dwayne Wade, makes them an immediate contender out of the East. It’s possible, and would be even more likely had they kept Lamar Odom, who last year finally played like we knew he could, I don’t know though. I don’t really buy the argument that Shaq will be more productive and better rested because there are no centers in the East. There aren’t any centers out West either. Ben Wallace, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Jermaine O’Neil will put up as much (or as little) of a fight as did Yao, Garnett, Duncan and… wait who are these big men the West is supposedly so loaded with? Olowakandi? Divac? My point.

Shaq’s getting old, though, and more importantly he’s been fat for a while now. So does he dominate? Yeah sure. Will he be MVP dominant? Will he take the Heat to the Finals? Nope, not if he keeps doing what he’s been doing the last 5 or 6 years. He will, though, if he follows my simple plan.

1.Get in shape. A little bit at least. The Big Aristotle is still quick, but dude used to be fast. He can’t get that back completely, he’s 34, but he can sure as Hell improve on where he’s at right now. Remember when Shaq used to run the floor and actually jump up off of it...

besides to dunk? Like for rebounds and to block shots?

Which brings me my next points:

2.Rebound. Shaq should concentrate his game on two things. The first of which is owning the fucking boards, every inch of them. With his quickness, height and wide, wide ass, he could average 20 boards a game easily. That would translate to a ton of easy points, with putbacks and outlets, for him and his teammates. He does this you don’t even need to run plays for him and he’d still score 25 a night. Run a few through him, and he’s averaging 30+ a night, easy, with less minutes than he’s been playing.

3.The second area Shaq needs to focus on is defense. Own the fucking lane, Shaq. Shaq is capable of doing every thing Ben Wallace does only more-so, he’s significantly bigger, and just as quick. He should be blocking or changing every single lay-up attempted in his vicinity, no problem. Again this leads to easy buckets for his team.

That’s it. Simple huh? Lose weight. Rebound. Defend. If Shaq did those three things consistently, and he’s certainly capable, he’d crush the League nightly. He wouldn’t even have to look to score (like I said he’d get his points Moses Malone style, off the offensive glass, and off the break,) thought there’s no reason for him to stop looking to post-up either.

Acceptance of this theory leads us back to the Lakers, where, if Shaq had followed my simple advice, he and Kobe squash all beef over who’s getting shots and win every championship for the next 5 years.

Am I saying this Laker debacle is all the Big Man’s fault? No, not really. Kobe may or not be a rapist, but he’s definitely an asshole, and that had to affect Shaq’s willingness to adapt his game and compromise his stats. Phil Jackson had clearly given up on this last season sometime around the Mailman’s knee injury, which didn’t help either.

All of which means this Miami thing is the perfect opportunity for Shaq to trim down and truly dominate, Bill Russell style, like we all know he could.

Not that I'm Negrodamus...

or anything, but I'd say that was pretty damn prescient. Shaq did get in shape, and he did dominate away from the ball, and he did lead the Heat to best record in the East, and he didn't win the MVP. His stats for rebounds and blocks were down slightly, but he played less minutes, and there's really no way to quantify his defensive presence in the lane or the way he opens up the offense for Dwyane, Damon, Udonis and the rest of the Furious Five.

I expect him to have a little something to prove against Chauncey and them after that MVP controversy and his disappointing non-performance in the Wizz series.

Bonus 'Scrip
Listen in as Larry David tries to figure out Nate Newton, a man of appetites.