Dr. Robert

The neighborhood of West Campus, Austin, TX is about as college (big state university style) as you can get. White kids with well-worn baseball caps in shiney new SUVs with Jerry Jeff Walker and/or Sublime stickers. Hemp necklaced girls and guys cruising by on shiney new Gary Fisher or Rockhopper mountain bikes. Big columned frat-house mansions with manicured lawns. A few rat-trap apartment and co-op complexes for the hippies and hipsters and various hipster vegan type kids. Lots of large, new, pre-fab looking condo complexes. Grande Mart convenience store where two randy Pakistani brothers have been selling booze to under-age co-eds (and kegs to their boyfriends) for two decades now.

This neighborhood--wealthy, idyllic, ridiculous--was the scene of a gruesome murder on Monday. Colton Pitonyak, a 22 year-old douchebag ex-frat boy drug dealer shot a girl named Jennifer Cave to death in her condo. Then he drove over to the local over-priced chi-chi hardware store and bought industrial strength 55 gallon drum liners, rubber gloves, carpet cleaner, and a hacksaw.

He hacked her into pieces and then either lost the stomach for the clean-up or was interrupted, because he disappeared, and that's how her body was found, shot, stabbed and chopped up.

Authorities traced a call made on his cell-phone to somewhere in Mexico, and dude was on the run. In the midst of this manhunt someone tracked Colton the killer down on online college social network Facebook, where he had all kinds of creepy quotes and mob-movie appreciation things going on. Typical wannabe gangsta frat-boy drug-dealer steez, except we know dude had made his fantasies reality. Creepy.

He also belonged to a number of French-speaking clubs, fueling speculation that he might be fluent in Spanish (and thus much harder to catch South of the Border) as well, or at least on his way to Martinique.

Then somebody noticed that our violent fugitive frat-boy was logged-in to Facebook from somewhere in Mexico and had even updated in the time after the murder. Holy shit. So wrong. Not just creepy; super-nerd creepy. Internet beef has calories too!

Mexican authorities caught the manpris-wearing guy yesterday and sent him back to Texas.


Further complicating matters is the fact that he was with an ex-girlfriend, Laura Hall, who wasn't charged with anything. Was she kidnapped? Coerced? Unaware? Maybe, but her Facebook profile is pretty creepy in it's own right. Under "Additional Info:" she wrote, "I should really be more of a horrific person. Its in the works." Woah. Sounds like they were on some '05 Bonnie and Clyde ish to me. Hell, maybe she killed the girl and dude was only trying to help her cover it up.

Update: She has now updated her Facebook profile to say, "Colton's innocent. He's the most generous, kindest person that I have even been blessed to spend time with."

UPDATE!!!: Some guy named "pimpology" over on Hornfans is in the midst of an IM conversation with Laura Hall. This is so super-secret-internet-google-cheat-codes, that I'm beside myself. I can't wait to live-chat with dude live from Death Row dude while he's waiting for the needle.

Update (8/27): Hall has been arrested for helping Pitonyak escape.

(9/29): Here's the arrest warrant for Laura Hall. "That's just how I roll," the poor confused little murderess stated when asked how she could help Pitonyak. Sounds like she's been hanging out at a few too many "Kill Whitey" parties.

A TV movie, no doubt, will let us know soon enough.

Excuse me while I go throw up.


Back in the Game 'Scrips:

• Loquacious Wayne, doing a terrible job of dispelling the myth that Harvard folks are smarter than the rest of us, is back from the Cape.
• B-More is so depressing. The Police Chief's daughter is a crack-whore.
  
• I have no idea what the story behind this fascist police action at a Utah rave is. Anybody?
• Is it September yet?